Clive, Why Are You Being so Mean? (Noisey's "Big Night Out")

Noisey’s “Big Night Out” series has recently gone online, and viewing it left my jaw ajar! Not with ecstasy, delight and laughter as some of the videos on the popular Youtube channel usually do, but instead with horror.

“Big Night Out” is in short a three part series delving into some of the music scenes most fringe events, where prepubescent and overly sarcastic reporter Clive Martin give’s his spin on the crowd, the music and most importantly, the experience. The series has delved into the neich sub-cultures of Gabber (That northern fist-pumping fad), Psytrance (I had never heard of it either, but from what I can tell its new age hippies raving in woods), and the most recent addition, Drum and Bass.

The first two parts of the set I actually enjoyed, they were witty and in some way’s even informative. My knowledge prior on the subject of Gabber and Psytrance was zero, and I appreciated the gonzo style journalism Clive was putting down, especially for someone who’s boyish naïvety makes you wonder weather he should be protected from the filth on the internet, instead of allowed to report on it.

I sat in front of my Youtube feed tepid brew in hand, highly anticipating the most recent upload entitled “Drum n Bass: The Scene That Refuses to Die”. I thought I knew what to expect. Yeah ok maybe he would give a little dig here or there, possibly mention the excess of jaw swings and the music wouldn’t be to his preference, but all in all he would be unable to ignore the die hard passion and the deep set roots of the scene. Or at least thats what the title suggested.

Instead I found myself wanting to throw my tea over the screen in frustration at his mug. All the insults expected were made, and then some more and some more, until finally Clive summarised with, “any event that you run a serious risk of getting glassed, is worth its place in our culture.” and that was it.

No credit to its history or accolade to just how much influence it has had over the last 20 years, not even a suggestion to just how versatile it can be. Instead Clive puts Drum and Bass in a box, ties a ribbon around it whilst basically saying, “THIS is Drum and Bass, those who listen to it drive a Vauxhall Corsa and are likely to rob your nan!”

Outraged junglist may go as far as to call the report slanderous, but a more accurate suggestion would be that it is a complete and utter miss representation. And for this I think Clive can be partially forgiven. Possibly the biggest flaw of the episode was the venue that was chosen. Maybe Clive forgot to bring his fake ID and could get into anywhere decent? Maybe he couldn’t stray too far from home at risk of missing his curfew? Who know’s, whatever the reason you can only hope that Reading, Berkshire was chosen as a plan B. I mean how many real raves really go down in bloody Berkshire? No offence to anyone from Berkshire, but I don’t even know where it is!

No Clive this will not do. If you want to get a full experience of what a DnB night is really like, you need to get that lovely Barbour jacket of yours down into the capital and we will take you to a night at Hidden or maybe even Fabric. Theres little chance of you having to endure some lonely beat boxer or a ageing MC hollering, “Baby get ya dizzle on!” at these venues. Message me, and we will see what we can arrange!

For those of you who wish to see one of the greatest pieces of miss representational journalism since reefer madness the video is below.

Warning this video contains underhand remarks and a face some viewers may find offensive.